Life is Weird.

So if you know me, you know i'm constantly saying how weird life is. For those of you i don't talk to on the daily.. LIFE IS WEIRD!

Ok so lets rewind to october 12, end of contract at Yellowstone, time to head south, start at Grand Canyon on the 17th! super stoked! have a blast of a time making my way to phoenix, camped in a forest, woke up surrounded by cows (the best thing ever!) got to phoenix all of the markie hangs and adventures, got to go cliff jumping. Monday rolls around, wake up, say bye and make my way to grand canyon. yeah! time to start chapter 2 of this adventure! So i get there and they're like nope and im like what and theyre like sorry and im like, now i know why they call it xanterrable.. 

So in a span of 10 minutes i go from employed at the grand canyon to unemployed and pretty much homeless in arizona. (being surrounded by forests, its really not that bad of a deal) so i have my moment of panic/stress/sadness. with a fairly salty attitude, proceed to look at the grand canyon.. cool a giant crack in the ground.. like i said, i was pretty salty.. and then me and nigel drive around the park aimlessly, realize how small this is compared to yellowstone, realize how much we love yellowstone.. go on a dope hike in flagstaff, fall a little bit in love with flagstaff, then make our way back to phoenix. thank god for markie.. if theres any friend i could have by my side in this situation its her. 

Nigel pretending to care.

And now it's Thursday.. monday: panic, tuesday: apply for jobs, wednesday: markie gives me chores, thursday: oh thursday! so in 3 days i went from being unemployed in arizona with no job options to having to make a choice between 4 different jobs.. hired on the spot at a cafe in sedona which is a hell of a town. great interview at a hotel in the heart of flagstaff, BIG SKY CALLED! and then the real kicker.. XANTERRA strikes again! calls me up today, tells me theres been an error and that the job is still available if i want it... WHAT THE SHIT LIFE?! Also i'm really starting to like phoenix. so really i have 5 options to chose from.. 

Grand canyon is like that ex that breaks up with you and then a few days later says nevermind, baby come back. and i'm like hell nah! but you're kinda cute and i kinda like you so i'm tempted but wait, you did me dirty so NOPE!

Sedona is gold, total babe, no games, invites you over and then suddenly makes you sleep on the couch

Flagstaff is like going to chili's for steak fajitas when you could get local organic filet mignon grilled to perfection for the same price elsewhere.

Phoenix is a total babe but kind of playing hard to get.

And Big Sky is that perfet 10 that you try to convince yourself you could never get but then you do and once you do you spend the whole time talking yourself out of the entire situation and end up ruining the whole relationship which could have turned out really great.

OH.. there's also home, I could go home, work at the surf shop for winter and come back this way for spring. but that feels kind of like contacting that mediocre bootycall that you haven't talked to in a year.

So.. thats my life right now.  

Random Acts of Thought

Well.. I got so busy living that i forgot to write.. heres some random, undated thoughts. 

--snowball fights. big sky. new friends. new music. coffee. cruising. day trips with a colorful band of hooligans. hangs at opalescent pool. bison carcass. just missing 2 grizzlies. elk for days. all of the scarves.

--Tonight home is old faithful, in 3 days home will be my jeep, in 4 days it will be phoenix, in 8 it will be the grand canyon (ha).. I reently told my mom that i would rather live in a van than in a house and her reaction was, “i don’t want you being a hobo”.. who says i have to have a house or an apartment? what makes someone living in their vehicle a “hobo”? what the shit is a hobo even? if i have a job, an income, am able to feed myself and pay my bills I’m pretty sure I’m not a hobo, just because i choose to live minimally in what i’d consider a studio apartment on 4 tires doesn’t make me any less of a person.

--well today is surreal. the lodge is closed for the season, the jeep is packed up, my uniforms are turned in, packages mailed. The parking lot is empty, halls are silent, the internet works better, the park is preparing for winter and i’m preparing for my departure. this has been an incredible 2 months. As i continue to learn about myself and life and what i want out of it i realize how much I’ve grown. its amazing how pure life is when you surround yourself with likeminded people. I’ve made some incredible friends out here and tomorrow morning we will say our see you laters and suddenly this adventure we’ve all been on together will become a solo journey once again. 

Fourfeather

     I was driving home today, winding roads thru the mountains, listening to some trevor hall. got to thinking about a conversation i had with a guy named fourfeather back on big island. i ran into him in town, he asked me how i was doing and i told him that i didn’t really know what i was doing, just left the farm, was pretty down about the way things had turned out. we talked for a bit, he said to me, “life is like surfing and if i think about it, right now I’m going thru a wipeout, getting tossed around, don’t know which way is up, but eventually ill come to the surface, hop back on my board, paddle back out, duck dive thru some waves, eventually get back out past the break, have a minute to chill and then catch the wave and do it all over again. sometimes ill wipe out, some times ill ride the wave.  sometimes there will be a big wave and i'll be afraid to paddle for it, other times i may let a little wave pass me by and later regret not taking it because little waves are fun too. 

     anyhow, i realized today that a pretty big wave came my way, i chanced it and now I’m riding the wave! i made it thru the wipeout, had a few obstacles along the way (my journey to maui, back to big island, and eventually to florida) made it past the break and had 6 months to chill at home. paddled for a little wave (which i almost passed up) caught it and road tripped with some friends around oregon and california. got the stoke back, realized I’m in control of my life, things are looking up, i’m happiest on the road. paddled back out, hung at home for a month and paddled for the big wave that is yellowstone!

     So just like in surfing, the longer you do it the better you get at selecting the right waves, riding the wave and wiping out. I know there will be plenty more wipeouts on this journey that is life but I’m learning that while i may not be able to change a person, or a circumstance, i can change myself and how i respond and who i am being when i do wipeout. 

No bad days

So today I went into work all stoked to be off at 6, had plans to go on a sunset adventure with a friend and then halfway thru my day found out they had changed my schedule and I have to close. I was instantly pissed, day ruined, super frustrated, especially because I'm bussing today which is never much fun. Then I realized that this is the most frustrated I've been in a long while. Something so minor and I'm like wait, I'm so lucky that this is what i have to be annoyed about so maybe I should just get over it and appreciate that the worst part of my day is that i'm "stuck" having to watch sunset from the dining room of old faithful lodge, something not many people get to do once in their lives, much less 5 days a week. So really no matter what, I'm blessed, it all depends on how I wanna look at it. Then i start to think about my friends back home, the stuff i see on facebook, honestly i stay off of facebook a lot these days because 90% of it is people complaining about life. so that gets me thinking, most of the stuff i see people complaining about are just as minor as my frustration about having to stay at work late, the only difference is that im here and they're there. so maybe if people were happier with their life situations they'd realize how silly their complaining is. but then i remember that ive tried to get so many people to come out here or out of that town in general but most of them are too afraid to leave.. which i get because i was afraid to leave once too. but dang. once you get out of that town and follow your path, do exactly what you're doing there but somewhere more amazing you realize how good life can be. i wish the people i care about could understand that the hardest part about leaving is making the decision to do it. like stop complaining about the same old bullshit day in and day out and do something about it. when you realize that you can do what you want where you want everything becomes so much easier. for some reason we've been groomed to think that theres only one way to do things, that we have to work too many hours at a job we can barely stand so that we can pay for things we dont need and a house thats too big, etc... but it doesnt have to be like that.. i can think of at least 5 friends back home who are working jobs they dont really like, paying bills they dont need to be paying, and making excuses they dont need to be making. you are in control of your own happiness. nothing in this life can hold you back from doing what you want other than yourself. there are people out here working with me who have pets and kids and things that could easily hold them back if they allowed it but they made the choice to put themselves first and when you put yourself first theres no bad days and that's pretty awesome ☺ 

In Due Time

i've been reading this book, Live your truth and wanted to share some bits from it:

"When something comes from within, when it is a part of you, you have no choice but to live it, to express it. That’s when you become, well, awesome. There is one rule, though: once you discover your truth, you have to go all in. Fully. Every single chip. That is when the shift happens. As if there’s a force in life waiting for us to make the decision, to commit, jump off that cliff. Then life breathes a deep sigh and opens the gates, fills the sails. It’s magical to experience. I wish that for you."

"Sometimes, the only way to evolve is to open ourselves fully. Be raw, honest. Vulnerable. That’s another thing I’ve learned. There is strength in this vulnerability, in tearing down the walls. People sense it in you. The world is hungry for it. And the greatest healing — for you, for those around you — it comes from opening. Opening yourself wide. To your humanness, to your feelings. And ultimately, to yourself."

                        Kamal Ravikant:  Live Your Truth 

Kalapana Sunset

In the process of writing out this post i started to look thru my pics from hawaii, so now im here seeing these pictures, the human that i was, the things i was doing, the beauty all around me and my heart is hurting. I fell in love on that island, with the land, with friends, with animals, with beauty, with aunties and uncles, with myself, with pain. I embraced all that is life, learned to live, learned to be humble and strong and to trust myself, to feel, to accept and embrace my emotions. I miss the island, my friends, auntie mari, the farm, the beach boys, the smell of the jungle, pohoiki, red road, the food, coqui frogs, literally everything. i know i'll return eventually. my heart feels ready, i feel ready but the time doesnt feel right, and if there's one thing ive learned from that island its that timing is everything. i will continue to go with the flow because thats how it works. but holy shit, those islands have me feelin some type of way. 

Who Have I Been? Who Am I Becoming?

This weekend was everything.. 

     First, lets rewind to August 30, 2015, the day she told me we were done. She looked me in the eye, told me she was unhappy with me, didn’t want to try anymore, thought it would be best for us to just break up.  i was feeling pretty destroyed. recently ive been reflecting on where i was a year ago and i realize how far I’ve come. i was a weak, insecure, afraid, depressed little human. I remember  packing some of my things and leaving the farm that day. I had no idea where to go or what to do so i found a spot on the side of red road, pitched a tent and camped out. i cried more and harder than I’ve ever cried in my life, all i could think about was what was wrong with me. A few days after the breakup, once i finally accepted that it was really over, i went to the farm to get the rest of my things. She had left a note on the desk for me, there was a part in the note where she said she wanted me to live, to experience new things, try new foods, make friends with the locals, fall in love with myself.. The things she said in that letter set me free, gave me the courage to just go for it. I think initially i was just doing it all for her but it ended up being all for me. 

     So now here we are, it's August 30, 2016.. Im happy as a clam, living life on my terms, confident, in love with myself more than ever before. Ive tried all kinds of new foods, made friends with so many new people, some of the most amazing humans. I realize that a failed relationship isn’t the end of the world, it’s the beginning. She set me free in so many ways, and for that i’m thankful. This weekend myself and 2 friends packed up the jeep and headed west. In case you’re wondering, 3 grown women can, in fact, fit in a walmart kids tent. We camped, hiked, ate green papaya salad and other delicious thai foods, we laughed all of the laughs, made friends with strangers and puppies, drank good coffee, talked about life, the struggle, successes, and whats next.. it was pretty much everything we all needed. It's cool how life always manages to give you the people you need exactly when you need them.  Wednesday comes, we're back home, and i fall asleep with a smile on my face because this has been one of the best weekends ever. I’m so thankful for every curveball life has thrown me, especially in the past year. I have done more self exploration and living than i ever would have expected and it wouldn’t have happened without having my ass kicked a time or two.

Fast Cars & Freedom Part 2

Markie and Hojo Adventures

     July 26th ..MOAB it is!! Im stoked for two reasons. 1. because i love straying from my original plans and 2 because Markie! in the last 6 months markie has become one of my best friends. its that soulmate kind of friendship. she’s also my number 1 adventure pal. so I’m excited to experience moab with her.  i wake up at the crack of dawn, catch sunrise, and head west. driving thru colorado on 70 is blowing my mind. this is the first time I’ve seen mountains like these. Crazy winding roads thru the mountains, i can’t really put into words what was going thru my head, its one of those things you’ve just gotta do.  …Alright, I’m out of Colorado and into Utah and the terrain is changing on me again. starting to look more like the desert, I’m only an hour and a half away at this point and I’m starting to get giddy.. Markie has been telling me how much she loves moab for as long as i can remember so I’m really stoked to be experiencing it with her for the first time. An hour passes and I’m driving into moab, listening to Nahko, Wash it away (if you’ve never heard of nacho and medicine for the people, do yourself a favor and look them up. 2.5 years later and their music continues to speak to me).

Moab

the beauty of moab and this song hit me right in the feels. I’m in awe and I’m crying and smiling and just so stoked to be living. to be doing this in general! I’m moving to yellowstone, tomorrow and I’m spending the day with my best friend in moab today!! so many feels. I arrive at the house markie is staying at. her friend is a base jumper, skydive instructor, and hot air balloon pilot. this is gonna be fun. we grab some beers from the local brewery, i learn about utah’s weird drinking laws, and we head out for a hike. it was a pretty short hike, super hot out but not florida hot so I’m fine. we get to the middle of this canyon and the silence is breath taking.. how have i not experienced this before. again I’m imagining what this must have been like for the native americans. you could literally hear a pin drop in here, what must it have been like to hear your enemies coming or wild animals.. so much to think about. we play around on some rocks, throw rocks into holes pack out and head to a lake. This is the first real lake I’ve ever experienced. i mean florida has lakes but you don’t really want to swim in them because algae and gators and snakes. this place is magic.

The Lake

A giant blue lake surrounded by giant red rocks. rocky bottom, no creepy animals to worry about. we swim, play with the rocks, wonder what kids do at lakes because you can’t cover yourself in sand or build castles. realize that in this part of the country most people don't know how to swim and thats weird.. its nice not having sand stuck to you but kinda painful laying out on rocks. We drink some beers, head to town eat some amazing italian food, hang at a bar and discuss polygamy because, utah and i figure out my game plan for tomorrow. we go to a friends house, they’re playing poker, me and markie are tired and awkward, head back to friends house, sleep. big day tomorrow, I’m kind of freaking out! TO BE CONTINUED...